guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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