yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
