shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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