Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
