The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
