So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
