I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
