i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
