There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
