HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
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Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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