my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
