Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
