Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
