just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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