i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
