I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
