I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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