I met the friendliest cop last night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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