Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
