Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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