The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
