She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
