I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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