I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
