something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
