Plan B is the new Plan A
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
