When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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