My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
