I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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