I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
