I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
