no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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