I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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