he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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