I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
