I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
