All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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