I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
