Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
