he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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