I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
