While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize