$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you didnt know i had herpes?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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