Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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