I hate all girls vehemently.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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