I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
