i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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