Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
