Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
