is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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