i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
ttyl tear gas
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
