So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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