hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
