I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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