i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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