That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
