You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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