I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
