You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
