I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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