so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
